oxymoronically jaded

period remaining in Gloria's presidency 1146 DAYS, 37 MONTHS... ANG TAGAL PA!!!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

train ride

Nine PM ten more minutes and you are about to ride it. You unleash the child in you and enjoy the city lights and you unleash the child in you as you finish your tiresome day.

You will sit and think of your life ahead; like where you are headed, you know where you want to go, you know what you want to do. And you're heading there, that's a fact.

People sit and stand, ride and alight, come and go. You remain seated and the only thing that is running in your mind is the question: is it there when you arrive? Yes you want to be there, but are you going to be happy? Are you going to be secured? Do you know what's in there that awaits you?

Very vague; so uncertain. You can’t foresee and you can’t foretell. The horror creeps up on you until she nudges you..oh yeah, she was sitting there all along, not letting you drop, being the breath when you suffocate, the land when it rains so hard.. And you don’t have to be weary anymore.. Because you know that whatever there is in there that you want to be at... you have her with you? Happy? Indeed you are

so tired of being the misunderstood, the narrow minded, the jerk, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

the buck stops here, i have indentified what made me more of a jerk, i have identified what made me lose my bestfriend, i have identified what made me selfish, or look selfish... and it is not me anymore.... you cannot make chicken salad out of chicken shit so might as well stop. right?

there is no sense in all of these that i am ranting. i forgot, i am happy now. and yeah, at least i was selfish before. the greatest mistake of a person is not knowing what how much shit he is already doing....

non-sense? indeed this is...

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Monday, August 29, 2005

happy birthday

Today is my daisy's birthday

And going back to their place this afternoon and catching her off guarded was one of the best decisions that I ever made. I am so damn happy today....

a friend told me last night "pare babalik ka nanaman dun eh kakapunta mo kagagaling mo lang dun?"

I guess some people will not understand. going to nueva ecija is not an obligation; it is not a burden. it is something I want. it is something that gives me peace, it is something that gives happiness.

I am so glad that I met daisy, that we met, that I we have each other. for the longest time I was not able to experience too much happiness. these moments that I spend with her marks the end of it.... am I writing gibberish already? nah I don’t think so.....

happy birthday daisy. there are a lot of things to be thankful of and there are things that are worthy to look forward to. what a great life ahead indeed. this wont fade this time, I wont allow it.. I love you honey...

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so what if it is overly mushy? I don’t care. heck, this is my life and not anybody else's

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I like you calm, as if you were absent,
and you hear me far-off, and my voice does not touch you.
It seems that your eyelids have taken to flying:
it seems that a kiss has sealed up your mouth.

Since all these things are filled with my spirit,
you come from things, filled with my spirit.
You appear as my soul, as the butterfly’s dreaming,
and you appear as Sadness’s word.

I like you calm, as if you were distant,
you are a moaning, a butterfly’s cooing.
You hear me far-off, my voice does not reach you.
Let me be calmed, then, calmed by your silence.

Let me commune, then, commune with your silence,
clear as a light, and pure as a ring.
You are like night, calmed, constellated.
Your silence is star-like, as distant, as true.

I like you calm, as if you were absent:
distant and saddened, as if you were dead.
One word at that moment, a smile, is sufficient.
And I thrill, then, I thrill: that it cannot be so.

Friday, August 26, 2005

theology 202

i bumped with with my theo prof tis afternoon. i did not attend his class so i got a bit of a beating from him. we were laughing till he told me the things he had discussed regarding our lay apostoilate program. well there is nothing much that we have disagreed on except only for one thing. i have to play as a young saint in a play at whatever charity thing we will be having.

nah! i never wanted to play as saint for i do not believe in one anymore. yeah i may just swallow my pride this time for the sake of finishing the subject, but i cannot simply keep quite about it.

the problem with my religion is that it is clouded with dogmas that i think are no way near to being spiritual. i told him that and despised my non-conformity with the catholic religion. oh holy dung! non-conformity with some aspects of the catholic religion is non-conformity to it?

if you believe in a religion follow that religion, if you have trained yourself to sit in one corner like a dog, that is your problem. but that is not religion. but not believing in some aspects of the church does not mean i dont believe in Christ's divinity...

peopel like him destroy my religion...

can anyonw please fuse catholicism and buddhism? ill be delighted when someone does...

taxi ride

Have you ever loved riding a cab at twelve in the evening? I did last night. Last night was the last day of presswork for the august issue of the school paper and I felt so relieved that it is over. We have release two regular issues and a special issue and on Monday we are about to release our third regular ish.

The ride was so relieving that I was on my way home, that I would walk in my bathroom and take a good shower; that I would walk in my room and snuggle my pillow without thinking what to write in our editorial this time or what to write in my opinion article. What a reliever it was when we finally passed the final layout for printing.

The city lights were once again fascinating and the song on the radio was relaxing. Now all I have to do is wait for Monday and see the product of our sleepless nights that entangled all our minds to produce one darn school paper.

I first thought that I would do well.... im surviving it and I am almost halfway thru. Yeah boy!

Its 9 PM now and I am about to go home... time to love the train ride...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

i miss my girlfriend

cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...
cant wait till sunday...

sleepless in mjc

There are moments in my life I consider myself so fragile. These are the moments where I feel so vulnerable to whatever in this world that can hurt me. These are the moments that I open myself up to the feeling loneliness and guilt, hoping that I have not taken a certain turn that I am currently regretting. There are certain moments in my life that I feel so uberly insignificant and a big time loser.

I can remember every minute of it and how it ended, right there; inside the same room I was last night. The moment of fragility ended in the same moment that I got my mind entangled between finishing another editorial of the school paper and the eulogy of Sen. Raul Roco, who is by the way a bedan and a former Editor in Chief of the publication as well. It ended there in the same room, in the same corner where I sat at last night, collecting my thoughts, gathering them and arranging them to put up with a column article.

That is the room where she also used to work at, the same moment she used to catch sanity out of a cup of coffee or a bottle of soda, trying to clean herself up with a bottle of alcohol and an already unkempt hanky, the same corner where I saw her.

Ah the joys of being alive. It feels so damn good. Indeed, a friend, or should I say, a former friend, used to say that the world is a big world... indeed, it is big. It is big for two people searching for someone to fill the void in them. The world is big and I am so damn thankful that her world in nueva ecija and mine Quezon City met there, in the same corner where I sat at last night. where she sat at...

no, I am not letting go of her... sounds so cliché? maybe, but this time, I mean it more than ever..

Friday, August 19, 2005

my girlfriend just got me so in to her.... yes, i may have said this to some women in the past, but the hell, today is more important... i know i may have felt love with some in the past, hell, all of them have faded...i know i have lied to some in the past, hell, that was then, aint a liar now...

and i want everyone in this blog thing community to know that... i want everybody to know that daisy sebastian is the only thing that matters. like norah to my piano, picasso to my wall, everything is beautiful now that im with her..

this will fade away someday? nah... i dont think so.... try me....
_________________________________________________
baduy? oo baduy nga.... overly mushy? oo tama ka.... paki mo eh inlove ako... inlove ka rin? gumaya ka... wala kang significant other? sorry ka....

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

adieu

6:00 AM: fresh from the bathroom i prepared for a day of hu-hummm

6:45 AM: i am off to the holy cross, at the back of my mind i was apprehensive and was having second thoughts on pushing thru. but i am as determined to go and see her... i guess

7:30 AM: i alighted the fx i was riding and took a tricycle ride to their place

several minutes later: i alighted the trike and saw that the gate was open and that her uncle's car is being parked. there were people in their terrace who recognize me the moment i tok off the tike.

several more minutes later: i was talking to her mother anwering her question of how we were doing thus far?

several more minutes later: i was already talking to her. she was fresh from the bathroom and was ready to put on her dress when i arrived. her flight was several hours before dinner so she had the luxury of talking to me for a while.

i gave her the winnie the pooh stuff toy that i brought years ago the other night. that was supposed to be a birthday gift for untill i ran out of opportunity to give her the stuff. i kept it in a box for years and swore to give it to her the moment she comes back. it was a bit old but i was determined to hand it to her. i found toy in his half filled travelling bag.

i gave her a very long letter, telling her how i have been in the past years that we have not seen each other. who i have met, who i dated, how i almost got a libel case, howi met my girlfriend, how we met, how much i love her and how i fulfilled her wish that i shuld make myself genuinely happy.

several hours later: they had really prepare for their flight so i decided to finally head home. that was the last of it. we have decided to finally end it there and remember that the friendship that we had was so precious and keep it right there.

she ended it, i did not want to, but somehow i should respect what she wants. when i asked her why? she said too many reasons and i understand her. i cannot have the best of both worlds.

i do not believe in fate but she does. i hope somehow she was correct that our friendship will recover someday if it is meant to. but for now we haev to wait. and i have to wait for her to want it as well because, for me, there is no such thing as fate.
____________________________________________________

as of this moment she is now back at california. i am genuinely moving on. i am hurt that i officialy have lost my bestfriend. but i keep it at a place where no amount of bitterness could destroy everthing that we have shared... where could that be? i dont know.. ours was so beautiful and id rather keep it that way... adieu

Monday, August 15, 2005

conform = prison

Sophia wrote:

Would you define what free will is for you? You see as I was reading your post I got a little bit lost. At the start your stand seems clear that man is not free but as you were closing your point you seem to have shattered that stand. If what you mean by free will is absolute freedom then yes you’re right for man can never be absolutely free. But I believe that man can choose to have a certain amount of freedom even if there is the ever imprisoning presence of society. If a man does not want to conform to the “norms” of society then that’s freedom. If he does not mind to be a deviant even if the people around him are making fun of him because he is doing things not in the “normal” way then that man is exercising his freedom. If a person does not just accept everything that society says is right and if he uses his mind in reflecting what is wrong and right then that man is free. Further, if you deny the idea that man has freedom you construct this notion that God is a mere puppeteer.. That we are just his puppets. Now do you want a god like that? Certainly the God that I believe in is not like that. He gave us a choice: be free or be a prisoner.
______________________________

Hehe this is what I and my girlfriend has been debating on for a month already. Absolute freedom is precisely what I have told her.

Would you define what free will is for you?

Free will is defined as the ability or discretion to choose; free choice. But I refuse to stop there. Free will is the power to decide without external and internal interventions. Free from external interventions meaning that no man or any external circumstance can qualify a man's ability to decide. Free from internal intervention meaning, no circumstance should a man's decision be compromised by anything that troubles his conscious being. Therefore, if a man's decision is qualified by anyone, by any circumstance and by his fear of being rejected by the society or anyone for that matter, then man has no free will.

Free will is the power to make free choices that are unconstrained by external circumstances or by an agency such as fate, divine will or societal pre-conceived notions.

Freedom is absolute so to speak. It is the liberty from external and internal oppressions. There can be no freedom with such oppressions and there can be no free will without freedom. Man is a conforming animal, only selected few, I included, chooses not to conform to nature and society. And if man chooses to conform, he conforms absolutely with society, thus imprisoning himself in what the society thinks as moral or immoral.

If you deny the idea that man has freedom you construct this notion that God is a mere puppeteer

Man makes God his puppeteer. Surely, God gave man the ability to think for him to become ultimately accountable with his actions. God further teaches man His words to set the criteria good and evil. However, man perverts God's teachings and imprisons himself in the dogmatic world of his religion. God's teachings are often perverted and propagated by mere mortals and fellow sinners. Had man refused to accept each and every dogma that he thinks undermines his being rational, then he makes his God his puppeteer.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Unforgettable you

Sometimes life sucks for you. You pay hard for what you have done. You care? No. You’re hurt? Yes as you wipe up their spit on you...

You search for answers, yet you are led back to where you were before. In the same street, walking. People spat at you for being such a jackass, for being an incorrigible jerk. You cared? No, the hell should you? You only lived for yourself alone and you simply never cared on other people's shit. You’re hurt? Hell no! You deserved it and you knew it. You just simply can’t complain.

You were smiling, yes, but you weren't happy. You were smiling but all was superficial as you continuously hide your insecurities and the hurt that clothes you behind your desires and on how you feed it.

For quite a time you thought you were enjoying people spitting on you as you pass by, but not now.

Not now that you have left everything behind. Not now that you stopped shitting around people's ass. You just got tired of all the hang-ups of it. You didn’t care but you start to want to. You didn’t want to conform, but somehow you start to feel the urge to at least follow. You were a jerk, but somehow you want to change.

Now you are renewed. Now you live for others' as well. Now you started to care, you started to feel, and you felt the desire to be accepted again. You are sincere, yet they don’t believe you. You smile and you bow in humility yet they continue to spit on you.

You care? Hell no! Why should you? You’re hurt? Yes you are... because you don’t deserve it anymore...

Monday, August 08, 2005

for greensophia

So, what basically is Roco’s strategy that can raise “this country from the loony bin”? How will he empower the youth? And what is that “idealism” your talking about? Is it as extreme as Plato’s?

Roco's (we call him in the party RSR), ideals in politics and nation building are compromised between his own and that of Plato's.

i think its time for me to answer this.to greensophia, im sorry this came in late, i got my hands filled with accounting and newspaper stuff, not to mention going to his wake each and every day that his body was laid at the dela strada church.
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And what is that “idealism” your talking about? Is it as extreme as Plato’s? Roco's (we call him in the party RSR), ideals in politics and nation building are compromised between his own and that of Plato's.

like Plato, there are certain aspects in the system that RSR immutably believed at. one example of which is the country's electoral process and the capacity of the people to finally choose the candidates out of the people's conviction and not on the candidates' popularity. he denied to himself patronage and band-wagon politics.he fought the election thinking that the "perfect" system would work for him and that the people would judge according to their WISE convictions. such thing did not happen but still he believes in the people and the system. he believed in the perfect ideals of nation building and he worked in accordance to his perfect ideals of nation building. he taught us the "sunshine principle" and the principles of non-compromise politics. he believed in the youth and its united ideals and clean convictions. he denied the existence of a divided Filipino youth. he had a perfect country and that all these that the country undergoes shall pass, and the ideal country he has shall prevail again. it only takes leaders and the citizenry to let it pass. however, he recognizes his limitations the limitations of what he can do. he once said that he would never eradicate poverty and corruption totally. but he will start the work and eradicate only a portion of it. i guess its safe for me to say that he too was a realist.

in the years that i have been with the party i can say that he is a neo-idealist. he refused to accept the unacceptable practices of politics, even if it cost him his political career. he refused to subscribe to the practices of traditional politics. he instilled in us how should the country be, how should the politicians lead the country and how should the youth take charge in nation building. yet he instilled in us the values of realism, saying that what the country should work for is attainable and measurable, otherwise, all efforts will be futile.

what basically is Roco’s strategy that can raise “this country from the loony bin”?

in economics, the country's resources compose of land, labor and capital. in his own words, the country's resources include land, labor, capital, and intellect.

indeed, the root of this country's problems is the people's lack of education. imagine a country composed of us, the educated youth. things could be more acceptable is it not?

he never said that reforms could be achieved in six years. he never said that there is still hope for this country in his lifetime.

reforms can be achieved in decades of hard work and there still hope for this country should we, the youth, start working for it. and there is hope for this country in our lifetime.

How will he empower the youth?

he did not specify how he would. but with the experience that i had i can say that he can empower the youth by showing us what should be.

when we look at our fathers for guidance we see cynicism. when we look at our politicians for guidance we see misplaced pragmatism. he lived with the ideals that we yearn and with that he showed us that there is still hope, that cynicism has no room in politically immature nation and that misplaced pragmatism is unacceptable for the country.

indeed there is still hope, only if the youth would become politically matured enough.

Friday, August 05, 2005

on your last bow

now you're gone. you have left me. you have left us. i would not ask you why, neither would i ask the one who created you the reason that he took you back.

you should not have gone away, i still need you. we still need you. you have taught me a lot of things, but it aint enough, you have to teach me more. and you have to reach other people as well. those who do not believe, those who have lost their hopes, those who have gone cynical. they still need you... we still need you...

but you took off. no matter how much i cry today, my grief wont bring you back. no matter how hard i yell, you wont hear me. i do not know if you cant or you just simply refuse to, but there's no stopping you now.

i have to accept that you are gone. i have to accept that you have abandoned me. i have to live tomorrow embracing the inevitable reality that no matter how much i want you to stay, he has taken you back...

we needed you more back here than he does up there..but we surrender to his will.and you will be remembered. not as a stranger... not as a stranger...

picture of an abandoned student

i woke up in the other side of the bed this morning. i stood up and felt dizzy for the very minimal hours of sleep i had last night. i sat at the dining table and got dismayed to have seen the same food for the past four breakfast meals - sunny side up and lumpia.

i went out for school too early thinking that i can have my time this morning to prepare what i have to prepare. but when i got to the lrt station at cubao suddenly the station was closed down due to "technical failure" of one of the trains plying the route. so i took the shuttle ride from cubao to legarda for an hour, which ordinarily takes me 20 minutes, had the train functioned properly.

when i was on my way out of SM manila after paying my bill at a wireless center, someone broke me the news - Raul Roco is dead.

it could not be, i thought. he is my mentor and i have grown to idolize and adore him that i even helped him to the best of ability in the last election. it could not be, i thought, because he still has a lot of things to do, has a lot of people to touch and a lot of youth to mold.

it could not be.. but it has, he has departed.

he has abandoned me and my fellow youth in our party. he has abandoned the people who still believe that he is the hope of this nation. he has abandoned the youth, who are yearning for guidance, for empowerment. but all things have to pass and this is his time.

i have to accept it and i have to live tomorrow with his death in tow...

i will be ok... but for now let me mourn for the death of my mentor

Thursday, August 04, 2005

sometimes we think of ourselves too much that we dont notice that we become the exact same monster that we hate

at first i thought i was the one with the problem. i was wrong.

there are people who are just much more selfish than i think i was. they just dont know it because they think i was such a jackass.

nah! i dont give a damn anymore. that just the way things go. someone enters, someone leaves. it sucks though that someone dont even bother to say goodbye...

i will not try to save a friendship with someone who dont want me to...

this would be the last, heck as if people will care anyway, farewell....

now back to my life....

too tired for managerial advisory services

EPS= net income-Preferred stocks dividend/outstanding common stock

Priece earnings ratio= FMV /EPS

ROA= net income+[(Interest expense(1-tax rate)]

ROI= net income+[(ineterest expense(1-tax rate)]

debt-to-equity ratio= total liabilities /total equity


Ar turnover= credit sales for the year /ave. AR

AR collectibility= 365 days /AR turnover

inventory turnover= COGS /invty. turnover

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

theory on zuce

i think he's a fake. if he really has a case against gloria, then he should have never have went to the media for his "exposes," but rather submitted himself to the group of congressmen working for her impeachment.

he should have followed what clarissa ocampo has done. she showed herself out at the proper forum,at the proper time. and people believed her.

then i say that the impeachment case against gloria is also a fake. the opposition is still hell bent on ousting her at the streets. zuce is a clear manifestation of such theory.

simmering bastards.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

questions you can't explain

then there you are, sitting on your bed, trying to move hell up to earth to pass your quiz this afternoon. you're already exhausted, you barely had any sleep and there you are sitting on your bed... reading and yawning

you fight the incorrigible desire to sleep for another two hours or so. you fight the flashes of memories of you and your friend, whom you had just lost. you fight the melancholy. you're doing fine, but only in the parallel world. because you are not, not even in your dreams.

you have a happy life, yes. but not today. today, the sun doesnt shine that well on you. today, coffee doesnt taste that good, the night isnt that serene.

and you fight everything off, but for how long? how long will you survive the pressure? how long will you survive the longing for a better day, for a better time with your girlfriend? how long will you survive a seemingly endless search for a lost friendship, for the long gone memories?

how long will you survive the unbearable melancholy?

snap......

you wake up, and find your book on your lap... then you ask

is it a new day already?