broke

lets talk about money shall we?

money is something man earns merely to live and not to live for. scarcity of it should not be, in any case, a burden too much to spell unhappiness. well at least in the ideal scheme of things this will remain true.

a driver of the service i was riding on from a provincial sortie last 2004 said in reaction to my comment that money is not worthy of praising that it is easy for the young to say money is dispensable because those who can say it have a lot of it. he emphatically said: "pagdating ng araw at mamomroblema ka sa pera at hindi mo alam kung saan makakakuha iikot ang tumbong mo kakaisip na baka isanla mo pa ang kaluluwa mo magkapera lang."

i thought of the comment as cynical until i had experienced what he said myself.

Like I said, I have been broke since july of last year, the longest period thus far. Such reality never dawned on me until the inflow of resources has been cut. For more or less a month now I have been experiencing drought and I do not know where to find some money. The situation could have been tolerable had I not have a life to maintain.

When I ran out of money and the source has been cut temporarily pending this summer vacation I have realized that it is no sin to steal to survive. Show me a starving man stealing to eat and I will ask you to spare him of your damning prejudices.

I have ridden a bus without actually paying for it and I have stolen 50 pesos from my kid brother just to maintain the life I have known. I pity seeing myself walking towards the nearest mrt station instead of taking the public utility bus towards it just to save some for a decent drink. I pity seeing myself drop dead thirsty standing in front of a walk in refrigerator and scan the prices of the bottled drinks hoping that somehow something would cost 9 pesos or cheaper. I pity seeing myself walking out of that convenient store swallowing my saliva just to moisten my darn trachea. I pity myself.

I hate being broke. I am so tired of being broke. I am tired of going thirsty and hungry helplessly, I am tired of riding the city buses just to save cash, I am tired of thinking where to get the money to maintain the life I know, I am tired of disappointing my significant other just because I have nothing already to pay a jeepney fare!

I am tired of being broke, can somebody please hear me. I am tired of being broke, can somebody please understand. I do not need money, I need comfort… I need comfort!!!!!!!! Please stop me from feeling alone I am so god damn tired of being broke! I am so god damn tired of being broke and look back to see if someone could give me the comfort I also need and see no one! Please hear me god damn it! Please understand. I can be a source of strength to those who need it but this time I want mine to be close behind. But I see no one