bitter

student 1: (habang naglalakad papuntang holy spirit college) alam mo tol ok na akong hindi ako gagraduate pa eh. ikaw ba?
student 2: nagpipilit
student 1: (nasa loob na ng holy spirit college) lamo kung hindi grumaduate on time, magexcell (tama yungspelling?) sa ibang bagay
student 2: lamo chong bawiin nalang natin yan sa law school. talo talo na, aral kung aral.
student 1: buti nalang hindi yung traditional na graduation march yung pinapatutog. nagigin nostalgic ako pag naririnig ko yu.
student 2: hear hear kapatid.
student 1: (after a moment of silence) lamo iyang graduation na yan isang event lang naman yan eh. hindi naman niyan idedefine ang talino mo.
student 2: kaso tol hindi ganyan ang pananaw ng mga magulang natin.
student 1: wag ka nang kumontra, pampalubag loob lang natin yun.

then the graduation march was played...

family ties

dad: ano ba talaga ang plano mo?

son: papasok nga ako ng law after college

mom: eh kukunin ko na kayo. doon ka nalang kasi kumuha ng law

son: (dumbfounded.. like duh) hindi ako aalis dito. kung gusto niyo kayo nalang. dito lang ako

mom: minsan lang tayo magkakasama lahat

son: bliktarin ko man ang mundo dito parin kayo uuwi. doesnt make any difference

dad: sigurado ka na bang papasok ka ng law

son:(dumbfounded again..)

mom: oh baka may ayaw ka lang iwanan dito

son: oo yung mga pangarap ko

mom: basta anak ka muna magpapakasal

son:(dumbfounded for the nth time) bahala ka. after four years magpapakasal na ako

mom: sino naman ang pakakasalan mo?

son: yung itim na pusa ng kapitbahay....

failures

when i was in grade 2, i almost came close in becoming the class' top student. but i fell short. i dont know what caused me that top one post, but i think it was my awful multplication that time that caused the damage.
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when i was in grade 5, i lost a quiz bee competition in history (quiz bee competitions are big deal to me then) since history is my favorite subject, i felt so betrayed by the singlemost subject that i have grown to love. and the question that i failed to answer was "who was the legendary indian leader who fought for freedom against the oppressor of the incas?" darn you geronimo!
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when i was in high school, i wanted to be part of "young achievers" that was our high school newspaper. although it only released two issues in my entire stay in high school, i always looked up to those whose write ups were published in that paper. but i failed because i came in late for the scheduled qualifying exams. i still can remember what mrs. bantigue told me then. " son, in journalism, deadline is deadline. if in this test you came in late then you have a problem with punctuality."
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when i was in third year high school, i failed to grab the S1 position. i have dreamt of that post for three years that i was burning my ass under that darn sun. but i failed to. i never showed my disappointment among my peers for i have toshow strength and grace. the person they appointed as S1 was one of SJC's brainy student. i guess they wanted someone good for the postion, that's why... but was i not good enough?
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the night before my final exams on physics, i received a letter from UST. i was so elated when i got hold of that letter. i love UST so much. i have grown to covet that school. i have pratically pre-planned my entire 4 year stay in college at UST. but i was shattered to see that i did not manage to get in.days before graduation, my batcmates were already excited for college. i was not. why? i still didnt have a school to go to then
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my entire stay at my first school in college was a big disappointment. need not to ellaborate more on it. basta got my self confidence way too low when i was in that school.
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UST again slammed the door on me. and this time, it slammed the door really hard.. "no transfer policy kami."
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in my new school, a "most reverend" priest-dean ruinned my life. "we cannot accept your payment because it is way too late. we will be forced to nullify the units you have took this semester."

yes father, bless your soul

today is march 19, 2005

ah, the day i have been waiting for since i stepped into college. this could have been one of my happiest days. today is march 19, 2005. doesnt ring a bell? well apparently, today is the day i am supposed to graduate.

but im not...

a lot of people are telling me to get over it and that i will have my time.. yeah yeah... i will, and tomorrow i will be fine... but today i will just let the hurt sink in one by one by one and sulk.

yes, indeed it is not the end of it. indeed intellect is not measured on the number of awards you get or number of years you spend in college. but life really sucks. and i do not need to go around the house to see were the chicken shit stinks.

i should be marching later this afternoon at our grandstand. instead, ill be at NAIA. i will fetch my mom. its ironic for her to come home in time for my supposed graduation, but i will not be in beda's red toga.

i told her not to come home yet for she cannot expect me graduate this summer. but she insisted to. she knew im weak and she knew i cant accept it all. she knew she has to be with me today. she knew she has to dry these tears i have on my cheeks while typing this.

today i will sulk.. but tomorrow is a different story...

and i will wait till they'll call BANGI, Ray John y Eleazar... it must that sweet..someday ill be there

today is march 18, 2005

closing time, open all your doors and let you out in to the world...

today is march 18, 2005, friday. today is march 18, 2005, it is shaq vs kobe for the second time at solar sports. today is march 18, 2005, six days before the birthday of my fave cuz. today is march 18, 2005, my supposed baccalaureate mass. and i am sitting in front of this rented computer, trying to subdue all the shity thoughts of this cruel society. today is my supposed baccalaureate mass and tomorrow is where i will be left behind.

what a cruel existence this is. i feel stupid for not graduating this year. i have come to the point in my life where i know i know a lot. but the thoughts of stupidity beyond irreparable bounds keep on coming. bummer...

i was invited by my pears to come over at "our" graduation. but i just cant take the picture of them in their toga and me in my jeans and jagged up shirt.. i guess i have to face the music and dance its tune for i will be left for another year..

today is march 18, 2005 and tonight, i will be half drunk and half sedated

life's gotta always be messing with me. cant they chill and let me be free? cant i take away all this pain? i tried every night all in vain...

Baby talks

(this is my entry for Spires, our literay folio)

time has separated them fom each other. now that they are back with each others arms, they will never let anybody or anything come on their way. richard is everything to rachel and though they have been separted from each other for two years, she have never loved any other guy than him. and now that he won her back, they are set to prove that love indeed can be resurrected. Until Eica came with only one phrase in mind. "Richard, I'm pregnant."
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edwin is a graduating engineering student. he has waited his graduation so long that he cant wait to get over it and start his life. he is the only hope of his parents.to them, he will carry the entire family out of poverty.and indeed he is. he dreams of buying his mom an electronic sewing machine to ease her leg pains from the manual machine that she has. he will buy his dad a new set of reading glasses so that he could continue on his disrupted passion, reading. he will work hard for her sister's education. he will not allow her to experience the sordid life that he had while he was studying. he will never allow her sister to resort into prostitution to fend for her tuition. he will raise them from the dump. untill the doctor snapps him out of his daydream. "son its positive, your girlfriend is pregnant."
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elaine was kicked out of their house by her dad. she's seventeen years old, in first year college and already pregnant. her dad cant forgive her from what she has done. worst, he wont accept her back in their house. she can live in the streets for all he care. to him, elaine is already dead.

but she never worry that much. the father of her child is filthy rich and has promised to marry her if she gets pregnant. he is her knight in shining armor who will protect her from the absurd outside world... and as she rang on his bell, a cute kid openned the door. "good evening, is erik home?" that must be erik's cute nephew whose picture he keeps on his wallet she thought. untill a loud yell put her world to halt. "MOM, COME OVER, SOMEONE'S LOOKING FO DAD!"
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it is dexter's family reunion. it is a speacial day because his aunt elizabeth and his dad finally kissed and made up after 22 years of fighting. he's eager to meet her as he has never seen his aunt elizabeth ever since he was born. it was a great day indeed because michelle, his pregnant girlfriend, promised to catch up with the party after she attends to her own family affair. together, they will announce that they are getting married in four months time... seems like a fantasy for dex to have his own family at 20 years old and his dad's family be finally completed... and then the excitement grew more intense when her aunt elizabeth arived. "hi dex, such a fine young man you have become. i am your aunt elizabeth, this is your uncle bob, and that lady alighting from our car is michelle, your cousin."
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"ugh! ugh! dip it real hard lester!"
that was the sound of carina moaning from a wild sex she had. they never planned to get laid that night, but because they had two bottles of beer too many, they lost their senses and ended up in the motel beside the bar thy drank at. it was indeed a very wild steamy ride and spit swapping night for them.

the morning after, she woke up finding lester sitted and staring blankly at the wall."how are we going to tell mae about this? she will never forgive me for this." she sat and appeared as composed as she has always been. "then lets not tell her what happened and act normally, as if we never had sex last night." he wanted calm calm himself because of the words that he heard, but his mind is racing for more answers. he wore no condom as he threw everything inside her.
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"hon im just gonna go aound to entertain the guests."
today is jason nd andrea's wedding day. they were high school sweethearts and have gone thru a lot to save their relationship. they have been together for nine years before they tied the knot. she had issues against him and never wanted to marry him. but her great love for him gave her the hope that somehow they will end up together just fine.and now that she's mrs. carbonel, nothing will take themselves from each other.

"oh what a fine kid! you must be a friend of jason?" she exclaimed. that was cherry, she came in late so she sat at the farthest table from the front. "yes i am, thank you. this is adrian, my first born. he's three years old.and this im carrying will be my second. i will name her angelica" andrea felt envious. she cant wait to start her own family with jason. "so where's their father? is he here with you right now?" andrea never stammered, "no he is not, he is with you."

one friend

chielot. she was my bestfriend. "was" because i lost her. i dont know where she is now, i dont know how to find her. iv got her number but for months, it just kept on ringing. she never answered my calls.

you see, she is one of my comfort zones. whenever she is around, i know somehow i will be at eased. she went to the states when i was in first year college.and for four years now (going for its fifth) she has never come home.

sigh

i miss her

i miss the familiar voice, i miss the familiar punchlines, i miss the familiar slap on my shoulders, i miss the trash talkings, i miss the letters, i miss the chick movies we used to watch (yes ladies and gentlemen, she influenced me in watching teen and chick movies), whenever there's a new chick flick being shown, i just wish she's here. for sure she'll pester me to watch it with her. i miss the late night talks, i miss the dramathons, i miss her singing the song "one friend", i miss hanging out at mcdo ja mes with her for hours, i miss walking at holy cross cemetery with her, i miss sitting at their house's fences... i miss the familiar presence....

to chielot: if one way or another you'll chance at this blog of mine,please come back. because of if you dont your ass better call somebody! why?! because stonecold said so! and if you smell what the rock is cooking, just shut your roody poo candy ass! jabroni!... and let me tell you this vince mcmahon, i am the sexiest man alive!

whew i miss acting that out with you chielot...

sometimes we took the hard road, but we always saw it thru... if i have only one friend left, id want it to be you

(lang ya ang drama! gives me the creeps)

simple things

i want to write good things today, for a change. i got tired of writing shity things about my day. well at least, despite of the big darn brouhaha that im in to right now, i could still enjoy simple things.
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haha got myself a tagboard already! to some it may be shallow, but to me, who's an "almost computer illiterate" who knows nothing other than tinkering its calculator, its a damn big thing! it took me two days to finally get it right. i feel good about this. however, i think the place where i inserted the darn thing is not good. but the hell! at least i got one and i managed to get over that darn html thing...
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i recently experimented on putting a picture on this page and voila! i succeeded. hehe i feel good with it. at least i will never be condemned towards the holy land of computer illiterates.
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there will be a department night later. darn it,there goes my diet. (im bloating really fast so i have to trim down my food intake.) ah the price you have to pay on becoming a vain male specie.
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a kid approached me as i was about to enter the campus after i pigged out at pogi lane (that's the food strip along mendiola where vendors call their customers by the name "pogi") she was asking if i could buy a garland of sampaguita from her. i bought all her merchandise and i never asked for my change.

she has been a household face among us bedans. she can be seen every night at the campus' gates selling sampaguita. my fellow students have grown to become her friends. but it was only a while ago that i noticed that she should be staying home doing her assignments and watching tv. but she could not, for some specific reasons, i do not know. only one culprit is clear though,poverty.

it felt good. i dont have all the riches in this greedy world, but i sure am blessed. i hope someday that kid wont have to sell those sampaguitas. she reminded me of the vow i made years before.... someday,i will lead this country...

and where did the garlands of sampaguita go? all went to the grotto of Our Lady of Monseratt except for one garland... i left it hanging at the door knob of the office of the our rumored gay priest... hehe so much for being compassionate

the angry me

ah here i go again, after an hour since my last post eto at naka-upo nanaman sa tapat ng computer...

i sat at the quad just a while ago. i was browsing my red notes for my exams on law on sales later at 1, but all i got is a bucket of tears. i think it is time for me to pick up the pieces of this shattered existence. i guess i outdid my growth untill i no longer know who i have become.

its time to make life simple for me. i will give up my plans in becoming the next editor-in-chief of our school publication.i will have to stop my romance with politics. i have to become apathetic. just for once. try to stand in the other side of nation building together with those who dont care and dont give a damn at all in this Gos forsaken country. (its youth is corrupt anyway, so im starting to lose my nationalistic stands)

involving myself in these nationalistic and patriotic blah blah blahs make me happy and satisfied. but i guess the buck stops here. i have to think about myself first. i have to think about my brother first. i have to think about the high expectations my parents have on me first.

this is farewell to my endeavors. this is farewell to aksyon kabataan, farewell to walang ku-corrupt movement, farewell to fair trade alliance youth, farewell to the bedan...

i will be back, but becoming a leader is becoming the person of integrity and stability. i have to regain that. i have to fight these people who are trying to tarnish the good name i have established inside the bedan society. i have to fight the people who are ruining my life. they have just unleashed the angry me. the angry me who stops at nothing just to let loose its wrath. the angry me whom i myself fear of. the angry me.. and they shall see... and i will be back.. i will lead again.

this is a declaration of war... they shall see the angry me...

random thoughts

sometimes, its suicide that kills the pain....

i pity myself for not writing anything good in this page. today is my exams in law on sales and i am so tired of reading those gibberish law provisions. all i just want to do is sit and stare blankly at somewhere. ah, the set back of being alive. had it not for my mom and my bro i could be kissing ass with satan right now.. hhhhmmm, such a morbid idea. i do not intend to end my dreams anyway. but i am so tired. so damn tired

commercial: ei marge, i tried browsing this shoutmix thing that you've recommended. i have a code now, the thing is i cant seem to find the application in this blogspot thing which will allow me to install that code. you have to help me on this man. sorry if i had not changed my settings yet. itext mo nalang ang violent reaction mo for the mean time. hehe

if i die though, in any way, please have my wake at the abbey of san beda. organize a necrological rights, have my high school friends attend the event. i am actually looking for ways to know my actuality as a man. if the impossible could be done, please look for chielot and fly her here before my funeral. i want to see that actuality, i want to know how he people i treasured see me as their confidant, lover, muckraker. i want ika to be around.

ride the sunset...

kung kailan pa nawalan ng ilaw, saka pa naging malinaw. ngunit, magkailaw man madilim pa rin, magkailaw man madilim pa rin. kung wala ka.