in denial

what i dislike about my personality is that i hate it when other people know something that i do not. when that happens i always delve into a great deal of effort to at least know the same things that others do.

now, what is saddening in what i am doing is that there are a lot of people that excel in accounting. every damn day i am drowning in jealousy seeing people take their review for the board exams relatively easier while i am eating shit for breakfast and yet know less than what they do. it sucks to stick my ass out for this endeavor and yet feel as if i am not getting anywhere nearer to my objective.

please let not the gods tell me that i do not deserve this. five years in the program of accounting in san beda and yet i do not? damn i cannot fathom the idea of taking the reality that i am not meant to have this. i have slept too little in the past years to tide myself another day in the program. when i pass the board exams, i will be certified that i have sufficient competency in the field of accounting. damn it! i have sacrificed too much to survive in the program. i cannot take the idea that a 2-week affair will ultimately judge the efforts that i gave as insufficient.

yes, for quite a time now i am saying that this exams has become something that i no longer want. true that i no longer want to work as an auditor, but it is not entirely correct when i said that i do not care if i will not pass the board exams. i do, a lot. i am just denying that i want it to cushion the feeling of my inevitable failure.

i want to pass it for the simple reason of pride and the sense of achievement. i feel that i will be robbed with the chance to wear my pride outside my collar. worst, i feel like being cursed to the pit of stupidity for not knowing what others know.

i am tired of denying the fact that i like to pass the board exams, and i am tired of constantly checking my confidence that was robbed off me by this endeavor