halfway thru. yeah boy! we just released september issue of the paper, the last for this semester. puerto galera and bacolod, we sure are going to invade you.

five issues more to go and i am out of the undergrad. i can smell the fresh ink of my diploma, well within reach..

just when did i lose the desire to have my hair trimmed? nah! nonsense.............

somehow i kinda miss slugging it out with greensophia. you've got to forgive me, i am still ironing some things first and i am still not capable of stretching my mind for another round of philosophical debate. one at a time. i am almost at the end of this mess. when that happens all things are back at where it were. still, there is no universal criteria of morality.heheheh

There are moments that you wish you’d get whoever's abs, whoever's eyes, whoever's nose or your neighbor's ass, to be wanted. There are moments that somehow you wish you have the spirituality of whoever "self righteous" mortal or the intellect of whoever anti-social philosopher, to be wanted. There are moments that you wish you were somebody else. Someone better. But no matter how much you keep yourself in your own deluded world, reality will be waiting till you return.

Daisy was here in manila last week with her friends who were then hunting for job at a job fair at ortigas. That was the first time that she went to manila plainly just to see me, and the day could have been great. But I felt that her best friend did not like the idea that she was out with me that day. Maybe she wanted to be with daisy? Maybe she never wanted me around? Or maybe I just sucked in front of her that I annoy her with every lil thing that I do.

Her best friend does not want me. Though daisy has never brought this up to me, I do not need a nerdotic education to feel that. She never wanted me for daisy from the start. Maybe because I am from manila and that manila guys have a reputation of being players; maybe because I had too many failed relationships in the past; maybe because she thinks that I am not good enough for daisy; maybe I look the way I do. I don’t know. Too many possibilities, all lead to one conclusion.

I don’t know why am I writing this. I mean, yeah this is my way of letting the shit out of me. But this aint gonna make the site anyway. I know after writing this I will just save it as a draft and never publish it at all. Sounds like a loser? Nah. I think I have to ask daisy first if I should publish this or not. Not that she gives a fart on what a write on site. I just don’t want her best friend to be mad at her and leave her clueless why. Considering that her best friend might waste a considerable amount of time reading this.

There is no denying, she does not want me. Her coldness speaks for my case. I don’t know if I have been too shy to reach out, or my efforts to reach her were not good enough. nah! I don’t want to speculate. I don’t want to even give a damn anymore. what’s important is that daisy and I are ok and some members of her family likes me. I hope so....

but I am only human. and it is human nature to hope. to hope that somehow we can talk like good buds, that somehow she'll like me for daisy, that somehow she never thinks that I was born out of Zeus' toenails to grab daisy from her and be her new best friend.

I think I sound so bitter already. ill stop here. it aint gonna of use anyway...

worrying.. where could she be? the last time we talked was two hours ago, the sun was already setting amd she was still out in the fields with her project officer. oh, the field i am talking is in the middle of nowhere. our phones' battery are about to die down but we have our spare with us. i am trying to get in touched with her for an hour already, but to no avail. i promised her that id publish the write i made some few days ago, but i cant seem to find the way haw to publish it from my drafts. no,its not that i am a complete computer illiterate. my mind just aint working well now that i still dont know where she is, how she is. this is killing me, believe me. this aint easy. i hope nothing bad ahd happen to her. i dont want something bad happen to her. damn it! i dont know where she is and i am two hours away from her. should i start looking? should i start praying? b-shit! this worrying thing gets in my nerves that i cant seem to function too well.

nasaan ka na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in absentia: lumen, libertas et caritas

In absentia: lumen, libertas et caritas - in absence: light, liberty and charity

i had gone to a compulsary recollection for graduating students last week at the tagaste retreat house at tagaytay. at first i thought it was such a waste of time considering the amount of work that i have to finish excluding the articles that i had to edit for the forthcoming september issue, whose presswork coincided with my compulsary retreat. but then again, i realized that it came in the perfect time that i needed it to. so i genuinely gave it a try, apart from the idea that attending it is a prerequisite for my graduation this march.

in absence, one finds light

it gave me more than the assurance that id be graduating this march. i found what is lacking and now i know what to do with my life. i like to do a lot of things, i am a free spirited person and id like to finish and accomplish a lot of things. but it is only in the recollectino that i realized that doing two things in the same time is doing neither.

i almost gave up my dream of becoming a CPA. all i wanted was to work and save for my law school next year. but such should not be the case. one year in FEU, fours years and counting at san beda and six years in the accountancy program. i always believed that i can, untill all the circumstances that hounded me made me think otherwise. i have to start believeing again.

yes, seven months to the big day and i still feel that my knowledge is andequate. but that should not discourage me at all. i should not accept the looming reality that i am about to flunk the board exams, the same way i did when i was in feu - i never wanted to accept that im never gonna be able to transfer out of that school. i thought i no longer wanted to become a CPA with all the things i know. i thought i have changed and that my prioroities have changed as well. i thought not taking the board is just a step backward in order for me to take two steps forward thereafter. i was wrong. i was still the same old person who wanted to conquer the boards so mush. the only difference is that i no longer believe.

in absence, one finds liberty

there was a question that made me think hard while i was on that venue: have you already apologized to someone you have done wrong in the past?

yes i did. i have apologized to each and every one that i have wronged before. well, now quite accurate thoug. i feel that i have failed to on one person - erika.

i am happy now, so much happier than i was before. everything fits better than before. and everything feels a lot greater than before. but at the back of my mind, the happiness i have is coupled with a great amount of guilt over what i have done to erika, my ex girlfriend. i was a jerk and i have hurt her in so many ways. i have learned my lessons well that i know now how not to commit the exact same mistakes on daisy, but the i do not know if i alreadry had apologized to erika over everything that had happened. i did, of course. but i felt that the apologies i gave out became superficial. i have done a lot of shity things that apology does not befit a my character. crucifiction maybe? nah, i am not that worthy either.

i want to apologize to erika for all the hurts that i have caused her. this time this apology is genuine. i am writing it here for i do not want to tell her personally, thru the phone or thru her mail and friendster account. she wants a lot of time away from me for her to finally move on and i respect that. i am writing this in the hope that somehow, on of her boring day she'll open this blog and be able to read this.

i hope she forgives me genuinely for everything that i did. and i want to apologize to her that this genuine apology came two years too late that it could not save anything anymore, not even a decent friendship with her.

and so i now liberate mysel from my past that constantly tells me that i am such a jerk. i no longer am and the society who has witnessed everything that i did has no reason to look at me as one anymore. i am free from those prejudices now.

in absence, one finds charity

i found charity. no not for my fellowmen, but for myself. i have to love myself more for me to love others fully. i have to respect myself first for me to give out respect for everybody, fully. i have to believe in myself first before i can believe in others fully.

broke

I was on a queue this morning trying to come into terms with the reality that faces me. I hoped the line would not end, I hoped for a deluge, I hoped for sabotage, I hoped for a calamity. But nothing occurred and the line ended. It just took few minutes and all of my bank savings were gone. Well not actually all, I have spared a thousand to keep the account open.

As I rode the train on my way to beda, I hoped everything is just a big dream, or a big lie. But, no, it is not. My savings is gone.

Just this morning, all I wanted was few bucks to buy myself a bar of soap. Twenty bucks would have done my day. But the twenty bucks came with a very costly price. While Lola was digging on her pocket she was nagging about the meralco bill, the field trip fee of my brother, the fee due us for the books bought by my father months ago and the balance of my tuition. She kept on nagging and as she extended her arms with the twenty bucks, I have finish taking a bath from her sermons.

Did I want such bills? Hey, I am only one of the seven occupants of our house, am I the only one who uses the radio or television? Do I have something to do with that friggin field trip? Did I buy the books?! Bullshit! All wanted was a bar of soap and I got minutes of nagging and a botched up ego.

And so here I am, currently broke. All my savings are gone; I have no money to spare for a snack. I have paid the meralco bill, I have paid my brother's field trip for I don’t want him to miss it and I have paid the books my father bought.

Yes, the bills are not my obligation, but I was hurt. I know Lola imposed a strict censorship on herself and all she meant to say is that I am a big of a burden to my family; that I am big diploma-work-less loser who is trying to seize greatness by wanting to conquer the bar exams. I have been so ashamed that I still am stuck in the undergrad, but I am surviving and I was ok. Not until this day. Yes, I am such a burden to everyone.

Now the dream of conquering the bar exams is gone. I have been saving for my law school for more than a year already and everything's gone. I have to regain myself respect from what Lola did this morning and I guess my savings can pay half the price.

Man that is for my law-school. 14k all in the drain just because of a bar of soap. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna move a muscle. This is devouring me slowly and I am losing my sanity. Eight months to law school, even if I don’t eat in school, I will never regain the amount I just lost. That was for my law-school and now it is gone.

thoughts of a stagnated individual

marge recently passed the board for medical technologists.
petty placed seventh in the boards for physical therapists.
last month, i bumped with joane mosquera at beda. she is in her second year in law school.
few weeks ago, i bumped with czarina pablo in beda, my batchmate, she is in her first year in law school.
carla laudencia is a law freshy in UP law.
marge is in med school.
jeff is taking MA in economics.
jen is serious with her social work.
jezza is in the med school.
amy is already a registered pharmacist.
thea is a nutritionists.
jc, ralph, ramon, batang are in law school.
diane is in japan taking jap studies.
socorro is in her second degree.
i am in the undergrad. no diploma, no work, no post studies to boast of.

while many of my schoolmates, batch mates and classmates have gone places after graduation, i am still stuck in the undergrad. trying to make something that i and my parents can be proud of.

yes, i am a member of aksyon demokratiko. yes, i will enter law school someday. yes. i am the eic of our publication. yes, i was a chapter president of AK, an incorporator of a youth org. yes, i can defend my political stand with alex magno, joey lina, and Bam aquino very well. yes, i can attack teddy casiño's political leanings.

but these are not enough...

sigh

loco de laca besa

i am starting to pity this country.

yesterday, after my class in auditing, i was invited by my former campus org to grace their symposium on the country's current political situation. i was not about to go since i had a prior appointment at glorietta, but the speakers' name rang my bell. cong. tañada and cong. casiño..

teddy casiño.. at least i would get to ask him the question i have been wanting to ask him or anyone from his group... when i got to the venue, lo and behold, i was right, he will tackle about the Transitional Revolutionary Government TRG. he has gotten so unpredictable that i can sense his political agenda meters from where i was sitting.

blah blah blah's about the TRG... TRG is an ideal setting where the people really get to start to initiate true reforms in this country. however, one question rings thru and bursts the bubble of its promises:

where will the council get its legitimacy?

the groups who are pushing for TRG claim that they are nationalistic and that they just stand up to protect the people, the country and the constitution. however, it ironic that the setup that they are proposing is extra-constitutional in nature.

i was so disappointed. casiño never answered my question. for the nth time, he has gone behind to bushes to evade the question for the reality is quite undeniable, TRG has no legitimacy to anchor itself on to. he has evaded the question just like what Ka Belt and Ka Satur did in one of the forums that i attended. he evaded the question, just like what naj pangudapun did...

sigh...

it is hard to hide something that is very evident. TRG is a euphemism for a complete communist government. hay.....

i almost puked when the emcee regarded the speakers as the future leaders of the country.. well such claim is acceptable for tañada since he and i have both advocated for fare trade in the Fair Trade Alliance.. but for casiño? nah.... id rather not elaborate for i can be sacked with libel thru the e-commerce act...

puke.....

no such thing

morality- concern with the distinction between good and evil or right and wrong; right or good conduct

standards- An acknowledged measure of comparison for quantitative or qualitative value; a criterion

norms- A standard, model, or pattern regarded as typical
_________________________________

accdg to greensophia
Standards” are what we call “norms” which are man-made laws or rules. Morality on the other hand deals with laws that are made not by man but by God. Morality is not the same as the standards set by mere mortals.
_________________________________
same dog, different collars

no thing must have come from nothing. no there is no distinction between morality and standards for the latter had come from the former. and indeed, you are correct that the former came from the teachings of God. but that is a half-baked truth..

not all criteria morality had come from God alone for there are also that came from the perversion of his teachings by mortals, and some have come from society's culture and environment.

now, is there a universal morality? no, there is none. for there is no universal criteria of good and evil; right or wrong. there is no is no universal culture, neither a universal environment. a society's concept of right or wrong is dictated by society's culture and environment and society's religious leanings. and since there is no universal religion, all the more that there is no universal morality.

I am not supposed to be seated in front of this computer and doing this for the entirety of this week due to accounting. But I can’t refuse it. For moments that I find myself so tired of all the accounting stuffs that I am doing I find my girlfriend and this space to be my unfreezers.. sigh... I am tired from all of these... debit credit debit credit debit credit debit credit debit credit debit credit debit credit.. audit MAS audit MAS audit MAS audit MAS audit MAS... finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance finAC advance... sigh

when can I possibly liberate myself from all of these.all I want is a diploma and a law degree.... shocks..gotta head back to the lib... sigh