in absentia: lumen, libertas et caritas

In absentia: lumen, libertas et caritas - in absence: light, liberty and charity

i had gone to a compulsary recollection for graduating students last week at the tagaste retreat house at tagaytay. at first i thought it was such a waste of time considering the amount of work that i have to finish excluding the articles that i had to edit for the forthcoming september issue, whose presswork coincided with my compulsary retreat. but then again, i realized that it came in the perfect time that i needed it to. so i genuinely gave it a try, apart from the idea that attending it is a prerequisite for my graduation this march.

in absence, one finds light

it gave me more than the assurance that id be graduating this march. i found what is lacking and now i know what to do with my life. i like to do a lot of things, i am a free spirited person and id like to finish and accomplish a lot of things. but it is only in the recollectino that i realized that doing two things in the same time is doing neither.

i almost gave up my dream of becoming a CPA. all i wanted was to work and save for my law school next year. but such should not be the case. one year in FEU, fours years and counting at san beda and six years in the accountancy program. i always believed that i can, untill all the circumstances that hounded me made me think otherwise. i have to start believeing again.

yes, seven months to the big day and i still feel that my knowledge is andequate. but that should not discourage me at all. i should not accept the looming reality that i am about to flunk the board exams, the same way i did when i was in feu - i never wanted to accept that im never gonna be able to transfer out of that school. i thought i no longer wanted to become a CPA with all the things i know. i thought i have changed and that my prioroities have changed as well. i thought not taking the board is just a step backward in order for me to take two steps forward thereafter. i was wrong. i was still the same old person who wanted to conquer the boards so mush. the only difference is that i no longer believe.

in absence, one finds liberty

there was a question that made me think hard while i was on that venue: have you already apologized to someone you have done wrong in the past?

yes i did. i have apologized to each and every one that i have wronged before. well, now quite accurate thoug. i feel that i have failed to on one person - erika.

i am happy now, so much happier than i was before. everything fits better than before. and everything feels a lot greater than before. but at the back of my mind, the happiness i have is coupled with a great amount of guilt over what i have done to erika, my ex girlfriend. i was a jerk and i have hurt her in so many ways. i have learned my lessons well that i know now how not to commit the exact same mistakes on daisy, but the i do not know if i alreadry had apologized to erika over everything that had happened. i did, of course. but i felt that the apologies i gave out became superficial. i have done a lot of shity things that apology does not befit a my character. crucifiction maybe? nah, i am not that worthy either.

i want to apologize to erika for all the hurts that i have caused her. this time this apology is genuine. i am writing it here for i do not want to tell her personally, thru the phone or thru her mail and friendster account. she wants a lot of time away from me for her to finally move on and i respect that. i am writing this in the hope that somehow, on of her boring day she'll open this blog and be able to read this.

i hope she forgives me genuinely for everything that i did. and i want to apologize to her that this genuine apology came two years too late that it could not save anything anymore, not even a decent friendship with her.

and so i now liberate mysel from my past that constantly tells me that i am such a jerk. i no longer am and the society who has witnessed everything that i did has no reason to look at me as one anymore. i am free from those prejudices now.

in absence, one finds charity

i found charity. no not for my fellowmen, but for myself. i have to love myself more for me to love others fully. i have to respect myself first for me to give out respect for everybody, fully. i have to believe in myself first before i can believe in others fully.