broke

I was on a queue this morning trying to come into terms with the reality that faces me. I hoped the line would not end, I hoped for a deluge, I hoped for sabotage, I hoped for a calamity. But nothing occurred and the line ended. It just took few minutes and all of my bank savings were gone. Well not actually all, I have spared a thousand to keep the account open.

As I rode the train on my way to beda, I hoped everything is just a big dream, or a big lie. But, no, it is not. My savings is gone.

Just this morning, all I wanted was few bucks to buy myself a bar of soap. Twenty bucks would have done my day. But the twenty bucks came with a very costly price. While Lola was digging on her pocket she was nagging about the meralco bill, the field trip fee of my brother, the fee due us for the books bought by my father months ago and the balance of my tuition. She kept on nagging and as she extended her arms with the twenty bucks, I have finish taking a bath from her sermons.

Did I want such bills? Hey, I am only one of the seven occupants of our house, am I the only one who uses the radio or television? Do I have something to do with that friggin field trip? Did I buy the books?! Bullshit! All wanted was a bar of soap and I got minutes of nagging and a botched up ego.

And so here I am, currently broke. All my savings are gone; I have no money to spare for a snack. I have paid the meralco bill, I have paid my brother's field trip for I don’t want him to miss it and I have paid the books my father bought.

Yes, the bills are not my obligation, but I was hurt. I know Lola imposed a strict censorship on herself and all she meant to say is that I am a big of a burden to my family; that I am big diploma-work-less loser who is trying to seize greatness by wanting to conquer the bar exams. I have been so ashamed that I still am stuck in the undergrad, but I am surviving and I was ok. Not until this day. Yes, I am such a burden to everyone.

Now the dream of conquering the bar exams is gone. I have been saving for my law school for more than a year already and everything's gone. I have to regain myself respect from what Lola did this morning and I guess my savings can pay half the price.

Man that is for my law-school. 14k all in the drain just because of a bar of soap. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna move a muscle. This is devouring me slowly and I am losing my sanity. Eight months to law school, even if I don’t eat in school, I will never regain the amount I just lost. That was for my law-school and now it is gone.