crush

It was a haggard sleepless night at the printing press. I was cramming to finish my two week overdue article to have it published in the last issue of volume 62. To add to the animosity, my phone kept on beeping for new messages. No, the messages were not recycled messages of mushy infatuation or reaffirming friendship but rather a legal threat of libel by a disgruntled disqualified SC candidate.

And there she sat, at the corner of the room. I knew she was having her share of pressure holding those drafts that she had to edit. I never recognized her really. Maybe that’s because she had her hair curled the way Norah Jones wears hers.

Twas not the first time that I saw her; I have met her months before in the same room and doing the same thing, producing a darn good school paper. But the maiden meeting ended up with me half drunk and her fast asleep. No name, no number, nada.

Fast forward to that fateful night of fighting for my freedom from the jail’s cold bars and struggling for words to finally finish an entire volume of our school paper. The printing press was so jam-packed that night. There were more than ten of us in there, I think there were three from PUP and theirs was the biggest contingent.

And then it happened, I was about to enter the workplace area to have another peep of her, and as I was a meter away from the door, she appeared from the inside. For a moment I stood still. The moment was that brief but the struggles inside me were too much. As if my anghel dela guardia was screaming hard on my ears “say hi! Say hi!” Hay naku, I was about to open my mouth when she suddenly passed by me, and I was chickened out for the nth time. But she gave me a damn good smile!

I never got the chance to talk to her. Not even for a minute of hi’s and hello’s. I can save my face and say that I was busy trying to make tax provisions more understandable to our readers, but in reality, I chickened out. And besides, she too was busy! She was holed up in the same corner for almost the entire night, editing her peers’ articles.

I finished my article before dawn broke and our accuser was fast asleep that he stopped texting us – maybe his mom finally gave him his bottle of milk hehe. One by one, the occupants of the printing press for that night started going home to their comfortable bunkers and beds. I too started to prepare heading home, I was eager to have my date with Alice in her wonderland in the comforts of my room. She went home ahead of me. I secretly stared at her as she rode her friend’s car and sped off. Did I get her number?

No…

But her name is daisy. And it was just the beginning

and so this is how it feels

And yes it feels good…

Be myself; crack corny jokes and not be reviled for it; share nonsense thoughts and laugh about it; talk about politics and really be heard even if its so damn boring to listen to another minute of it; run out of words or correct grammar and know no biggie about it; confess my misgivings and be forgiven and accepted; give a little of myself and be appreciated.

Silence airs comfortably and I can now sit and enjoy myself in front of the mirror. No not because I am narcissistic but because I now like the person I’m seeing in front of it. No pretensions and no more hurt.

And so this is acceptance… it really does feel good

ergo?

“There goes a saying, ‘Life is an array of choices.’ All of us are responsible for the choices that we make. People might think we made the wrong choice however it is only us who could establish what’s real. We could never learn from other people’s opinions and encounters alone. We have to create a life that’s our own. We should balance their views from our own experiences. That would decipher what is righteous.” – Anonymous

Who says man has free will? That man is the “captain of his soul” and becomes accountable to no one but him. That man is free.

No he is not. Man will continue to become prisoner of society’s prejudices. And as long as man is being made to conform to society’s notions, man will never be free. And he will continue to linger within the bounds of “what would be if I’s” and “what could have been had I’s.” and he will continue to choose which way leads to his salvation from societal damnation.

No, man is not accountable to himself alone. Man is accountable to society, who has long been imposing standards alien to him. And yet man conforms because he is a prisoner of the public eye.

Man is not free and he is not the captain of his soul. As long he is being made to play the game with society’s standards he will continue to live with his delusion of freedom. A delusion that gives him the sense of hollow empowerment.

Man chooses out of will and it is not free. More so, there is no right or wrong choices, only favored and unfavored ones. And man should never be made to conform if he doesn’t want to. The token of obedience devoids the meaning of self righteousness. Society doesn’t hold the eternal truth and goodness. Society is not the judge of righteousness but man himself.

I’m not a philosopher, but I can think. If I am wrong, what makes you think that you are right?

(Thank you to lala for the quote I got from her blog)

reboot

When I look at myself in the mirror I wonder, how the hell did I grow up to become me? I may try to count the ways but it isn’t going to be easy to even try to re-think what I have made of myself. My life isn’t the Matrix, and there won’t be any reformats and take two’s. The longer I stare at the mirror the longer I become hopeless thinking that somehow, things could have been different.

But things are what they are now and ill start living with it again. It took time before I could realize that I still am me. I may have forgotten that but I still am the same. Now its time to start anew – this time let me do this alone

dumadalas ang hindi na

sa luhang tuyo, sa mugto ng mata
balot sa ngiti, lunod sa tawa

sa kumakawalang damdamin
sa nawawalang alaala
bukas makalawa ikaw ay limot na

babalik ka pa ba?
dumadalas ang hindi na
magigising ka at ang kahapon ay wala na

pilit na nililimot ang saya ang tuwa
pilit na pinipigil ang pagbugso ng luha
pilit na tinatago ang lunkot sa mata
pilit na nilulunod ang iyong alaala

babalik ka pa?
madalas, mas maigi ang hindi na

pa-morningan

Being in an organization plagued by traditions has a price. We just took over as the next editors of the publication and to keep up with the traditions started by who ever from our organization’s genealogy, we hosted an “inuman session” for the benefit of our alumni editors, some of whom now have their own families and stable jobs. I wonder how thirty to forty year old professionals could get along well with eighteen to twenty year olds and act as if our ages are not half of theirs.

Now going back, the tradition does not stop there. It has been a decade long practice that the incoming editors will down a big glass-full of booze. Hell no! Our plan of giving them strong beer for the fun of seeing them all wasted burst on our faces. It turned out that we too, at the end of the night, would end up as wasted as they are.

And because no one brought a hard brandy with them to use for the said tradition – thank God, it has been agreed upon by the alumni editors to give us two rounds of glass shot – oh bury me in hell.

So the first glass of beer was given to me being the next editor-in-chief of the publication, which came as a surprise by the way because I did not perform well in the qualifying examinations. And true to my instincts, they asked for a lil speech… oh save the profundity for later when I get another libel case… And what do you know, since my associate editor went home an hour earlier I had to drink his glass of beer!

The first round ended as fine as I found my world slowly pirouetting. And after the second round, boy am I in a jugular joy ride! It’s a good thing that I never threw up after it.

I could always rationalize that what we did is just a manifestation of the kind of culture we have in the publication. The way thirty year olds mix up with twenty year olds clearly shows that there indeed is a thing called “bedan brotherhood.” But why oh why in this God’s green earth do we have to down two rounds of beer, four in my case because I have to drink my associate editor’s shot, when the practice calls for just a shot of booze, irregardless of whether it is a beer, brandy or shiok tong? (did I get the spelling right?)

But I loved every minute of it. No regrets.. and besides, the cheese sticks we served as pulutan fell on the floor while we were still preparing it. Hehe that’s why I have never touched a single of it.. revenge has been done…

and the book goes on...

Mama approached me last night and told me to straighten up for my last year in college. She asked for the nth time if I am going to push thru with my plan of entering law school after college. I know she’s feeling mixed emotions. I know somehow she’s wishing that things are not as they are today. But I know too well that she is proud that I am the next school paper’s top honcho.

There’s no sense in blaming myself for things that happened in my life caused by circumstances, which I clearly don’t have control of. Indeed the more I sulk and the more I blame myself for what happened the more I spoil myself and the more I get myself nowhere.

Sometimes I get a lil paranoid that I over-think what others are thinking about me; I shouldn’t be assuming that I am that an impact to them in the first place. Hhhmm what have I done to myself? am I making sense? Wait let me gather myself……

And I’m back… mama’s going back to London to work for another 5 years for my law school. As much as I don’t want to ask for her support after college, I have to come into terms with the reality that I am a big 22 year old diploma less bum, and that I will be needing her help someday.

This is the time that I have to swallow my pride and humble myself. This the time to admit the fact that no matter how many things I know that others don’t, I still am not good enough. And that shouldn’t frustrate me.

And this is the end of my sulking for not graduating in time. This is the end of my seemingly endless drama about life and the “unfair” I got from it… In every book a chapter has to end. This is the end of my dark one..

Welcome me back to the circulation…

two decades

Life sucks indeed, yet sometimes the more we sulk the more we devoid ourselves the chance to see the totality of it.

For the longest time now, I have been my life’s staunchest critic. Not until last night while taking a dip to cool our roasted armpits from this country’s uberly hot climate.

I never wanted to tag along because I wanted to just study for the upcoming CPA board exams. But hey, parents are parents so I ended up studying at the resort. No I didn’t want to take the plunge really because the pressure to pass the board creeps up into my system. I didn’t mind if was looking like a geeko last night.

Pissed as she may have looked, mama approached me and said, “try mo namang mag-enjoy ngayon 23rd anniversary namin ng papa mo eh.”

Really? Is it that long already?

Twenty three years of family life. Twenty three year of love and hate; of successes and defeats; of jealousy and security; and of hunger and abundance.

Everyday I drown myself with bitter thoughts that life has never been fair to me. I was dead wrong…

love ko to...

It was a sweaty ordinary day. After attending to the hassles of my friggin existence, which is nothing but normal, I found myself groping for shots of sanity. The FX ride was hellish, the traffic was horrendous and the sun really had a very bad humor when I mistakenly sat on the wrong side of the vehicle where it shone directly on my forehead.

I wanted to end the day at four in the afternoon, but for some reasons, I alighted at Mindanao Avenue and went straight to my tambayan during my high school days, Mcdo sa tapat ng ja mes.

Nothing much had changed except for the unfamiliar faces of the crew and the manager and the new male restroom’s door knob. It was the same old sight near the window overlooking our seemingly endless under-renovation high school campus. They have not changed the interior, even the seats and what do you know, they still have not changed the table where I carved my immortality six years ago.

And surprisingly enough, I ordered the same old meal I used to buy, burger mcdo meal, upsized coke and fries with extra catsup and salt. I did not intend to just because I was in the mood to reminisce that day, believe me.

However, the place was eerily silent. Aside from Nina singing her own rendition of love moves blah blah, no one made the same noise we were making years ago. And yes I was sited alone, no one bushwhacked my fries and sipped on my soda, no one to pop mcdo straws with, no one to make mcdo desert composed of soda, catsup, gravy and sundae with a French fry on the top for garnish with, no one to laugh with.

That made all biggest difference. I was sad to see that picture of course but I did not cry heaven’s sake!

Five years after high school graduation, I have grown my mustache, I have blown up because I stopped doing push ups, I took the road less traveled by many and became a youth leader, I have grown up. Mcdo sa tapat ng ja mes remained the same even though jabby landed across the street.

And I have become a child with my friends, we laughed, we cried. We dreamt, we achieved and we grew. And tomorrow we will go places. And mcdo became the silent witness of our antics. And it will stay there. It will await our return and it will become a towering reminder of the child we all once became.

It was seven in the evening when I decided to finish my nostalgic ride with memories. I ate up two orders of burger mcdo meal, upsized coke and fries with extra catsup and salt and a cup of hot fudge…

And once again I became a child…I carved my second serving with immortality on their table…. “Bangi was here”

no way out

struggling....

renewing....
wanting....
waiting....
it is i....
drowned in the pit of oblivion
glared by the moving lights
walking....
blank....
numb....
searching for the lost me
tears....
pain...
ending the falshes of light
breathing the last of the damned...

recto at night

it was 10:10 PM, i was standing waiting for a ride at recto. the darn lrt going to cubao has left 10 minutes earlier.i felt so fucked up on my ass for having a darn stupid moronic imbecile infested day. who said life is fair? who said that there's light at the end of the tunnel? who said that life is good? no there aint any light and no it sucks! well at least for me.

i hate what i have made of my boring existence. i may have had any but i dont have the things which i truly desire.and no its not because its not for me to take and that destiny has to take its toll, no its not because it is not yet the right time for me to have it. rather it is because i have never been good enough...

and as i stood there waiting for my darn ride, hating every smoke that raced to my nose, watching the cigar butts around me, trying to enjoy the city lights i have grown to love, a lady approached me:

"sir 200 pesos lang, apat na oras all the way."

i begged off not just because i was afraid of the STD she might be carrying but also because of pity. how could she sell her body for just 200 bucks? existing and surviving really have its prices. but i never expected it to be as low as 200 bucks!

i dont want to sound as a young politician wanna be, but the sight that beholded me has clung unto my conscioiusness for days. no its not because of her carnal desires that she sells her entire soul to someone who could swallow, spit and cum too much, but rather because she has to live. i suggest she takes a bullet in her head. because life aint going to be much easier for her. not in this lifetime.

and then i remembered, i was standing there, drowning myself with bitternes for the unfair treatment i got from my own existence. i could have hated my entire day, but i could not, because life aint that bad to me after all...

daily rituals

8:00AM eyes wide shut
8:15AM slams my alarm clock hard
8:30AM second serving to dreamland
9:00AM now on the rush to catch the first class in one and a half hour
9:30AM now sitted in an fx, murmuring nasty words for riding on a slow poke driver
11:00AM sorry sir, traffic
12:30AM feeling wasted after reciting for being late... uhmmm article 1561 states that an obligation is a juridical necessity to do...blah blah blah

1:00PM burning eyebrows literally.. assets = libilities + capital
3:00PM prisoner of the accounting class
6:00PM freedom
6:05PM cram! internal revenue code exempts lawyers duly registered in the IBP, medical professionals in paying the value added tax

7:00PM goodevening atty. reyes
7:10PM "Mr. Bangi, will you recite to the class about tax exemptions"
7:11PM uuuuuuuhhhhhmmmmm
7:12PM internal revenue code exepmts lawyers duly registered in the IBP and,,,,, and,,,, (?)
7:13PM "not acceptable mr bangi....next
8:30PM darn that geriatric prof... darn that tax subj... vat you!
9:00PM ding dong, arriving at araneta center cubao... paparating na sa araneta center cubao
9:10PM where have all the darn fx's gone?
10:00PM home bitter home
11:00PM internal revenue code exempts lawyers duly registered in the IBP and medical professionals...
11:01PM zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz