from you death comes my own doubt

how dare me to have almost forgotten RSR's death anniversary. good thing it had dawned on me last aug 5 that that was the day a year after hope almost died.

my father and i dont agree much on everything about politics, the society, and life. somehow i see it in a more positive outlook and he takes the other side. but i think no matter how much unidealistic his views are and how cynical his political stands are, somehow i think i have to concurr with one of his principle, that man cannot live in a nationalist country with a hungry stomach.

a year ago i wrote a eulogy for Roco in our school paper. i could still remember his teaching that i quoted "ang apoy ng kandila ay hindi maaaring mawala. magsindi ka ng isa at i-alok ang apoy nito sa kapwa". yes i could still remember how i wrote that eulogy and i convicted i was with carrying on with the struggle to get our message across - may pag-asa.

a friend has aptly written in her blog (read alwaysanxious.blogspot.com) that all of us who were touched by RSR have one belief in common - may pag-asa.

one year after that conviction i now have to ask myself time and again if i am still willing to go at it again and again and again till i am contented that somehow a part of what we envisioned for has come true. my father was correct, when you are young you tend to become so idealistic that you start to forget that the picture you have is far more dull than the reality. but when you start to get older you start to think about yourself; how much of your idealism can you swallow for the things you start to get anxious for.

things have changed and i realized that my priorities had as well. i know it is a great betrayal of the ideals that we had fought for, but i cannot go on denying that i am starting to think about myself first. it is such a shame that not long had passed since RSR died and yet i am already starting to lose the fire.
_________________________
erratum: if you happen to get confused with everything that i have written, then i am sorry. i have no time to edit my articles.